i wanna live inspired

Anti-Social

This post is more for me to write things out.
if you read it, cool. if not, cool. 

I’m weird. When most people see me they see a social butterfly. When friends see me in certain situations, I seem to be very social. 

People say, “I went (insert place over seas) and found myself” or people go over seas inorder to do that. Right?  I didn’t exactly have that mentality when I went to Kenya last summer. But I feel as if I may have lost myself in Kenya. I have been noticing how different I am in certain situations and with certain people, than I was before I went to Kenya. And not in a good way, in my opinion. When I was in Kenya, I found it difficult to cross the cultural barrier with the mentors we worked with. I was unable to carry a conversation one-on-one so I avoided them (not the people but the one-on-one times). And in groups I mostly listened. I spent most of my time playing with the kids who barely knew English so I didn’t really have to converse. I observed. a lot. 

Since I’ve been back in the states, I observe, a lot. and I find myself talking less. I feel awkward most of the time when someone turns the convo on me to start talking about myself. I have been finding it hard to go up to new people because I’m not confident in my abilities to carry on a conversation, even though I could most likely relate to them better than a Kenyan. 

For the past 2 months I have gotten exceedingly busy with Roller Derby (4-5days a week) and then you add on 2 classes a week, filming for Film class, homework, and work 10-15 hours a week. I have little to no room for a social life. I am feeling disconnected. I haven’t been able to attend church every Sunday which bums me out, but I’m trying! Hopefully going to start going to a small group next week. I just need community.  The only person I have spent quality time with on multiple occasions lately is Joshua. And I am so blessed by his friendship. But it’s not enough..

Part of me is scared to try to be more social because I’m afraid of failing. that sounds stupid but it’s true. Why can’t I function like a normal human being? 

I miss friends. I hate that I live an hour from my best friend. And I hate that I live 20-30 mins from most of my friends and neither of us takes time to see one another. “let’s hang out soon” ok…when? or I try to set a date/time and it falls through or we can’t agree on a time cuz we’re both so busy… ugh. 

I haven’t been able to enjoy my job in a long time. I am REALLY unhappy there right now. A lot of people left, people I worked with and I don’t want to get to know the new people.. I have applied to Apple but they aren’t really hiring around me. and I don’t know where else to apply. I don’t have the skills and knowledge to get hired at a production company. I would need to intern first but don’t have time for that…anyways.

With Roller Derby, I am realizing that I don’t really have close friends in the league. My derby wife who was my best friend in derby, lives an hr away and doesn’t skate anymore. I love all the girls I skate with but i don’t know..I guess I just haven’t clicked with any on a level outside of practice.. Again..I’m scared. 

And finally…my relationship with God has been very poor which is probably the root of it all..my discipline in godliness has been really poor :( 

oh boy. thanks for reading if you did.